Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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