Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
