I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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