Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
