im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
