last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
