The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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