Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
