my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
