yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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