How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
