In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
