I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
