When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
