if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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