You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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