saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
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its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
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I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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