seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
