I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The struggles of a small town man whore
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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