She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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