I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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