Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
