i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He shit in the fireplace
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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