my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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