the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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