I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
