I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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