I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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