theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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