just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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