Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
