dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
