I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
