just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
