I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
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Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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