Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
