With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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