The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My dick has a subreddit
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
