Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
