Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
