He passed out mid-signature
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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