he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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