My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
