Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
