You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
