My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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