Do you still have your period?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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