Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
