My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
