god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
