Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
