dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just high enough for therapy.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
