I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
