So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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