i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
