Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
