Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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